


pickle gamzee fic

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (badly), Blood, Castration, Gore, M/M, Meteorstuck, Other, Screwdriver, Trump-senpai, Vomit, Vore, White House, boners for leg prosthetic, cum, dick hopping, dick ridding, fork goes up ass, god please spare my soul, gooey pickle consumption, i am prepared to strangle a man, i apologize for the sins i am commiting, i turned myself into a pickle karkat! im pickle gamzee, karkat is a horny man, man egg consumption, not exactly necrophilia (i hope), oh shid im gonna involve nazis in this what do now, ohno im getting political, pickle fleshlight, pickle lust, pickle vore, probably not safe for kids, skull cracking, tavros is a fucking furry, testicle amputation, testicle cooking, this is proof of the length i would go to for a joke, uwu, vriska is a milf, whalecum amounts of cum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Gamzee has turned himself into a PICKLE, Karkat!  He's PICKLE GAMZEE!What will you do?KARKAT==> fuck pickle
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Dave Strider, Gamzee Makara/Donald Trump, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas, Tavros Nitram/Vriska Serket
Comments: 23
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

Karkat has been a horny cunt all meteor-trip long.

He's been fapping the ween like a professional coomer for the entire afternoon, and the lack of sinfull white seed in his testicles has made his dick dry and his headache heavy. The man is loosing grasp on himself, as his ashamed conciousness is trying to knock him out to prevent any more nutting to take place, for good.

And he would be snoozing like a bastard if it weren't for the constant squelching of their murderous clown through the building's vents. How the fuck does he even manage? A juicy ass might be product of Karkat's constant ejaculation cravings, but the guy isn't a wriggler to be fitting comfortably inside those enclosed metal conducts.

Hearing him rub his filthy self all over the meteor's ventilation mediums is just the right noise he requires to keep getting volts of pain being sent through his brain.

But suddenly, it sounded as if the circus fucker had landed, with the impact of his moronic shoes on the solid floor and the distant sound of his ass clapping.

"Huh. He got off the vents." Karkat thought to himself, announcing aloud the effort-lacking deduction.

But instead of using this oportunity to have a nap, he found his curiosity piqued and decided to go have a look.

Out of his room and through the halls he followed the sound of Makara's disturbingly heavy breathing, until he found himself in the room in which some of the game's mechanics' machines remained. He humoured himself inside, just to find the awfull clown on all fours atop one of the machines in the room.

Surprisingly nonplussed, Karkat asked monotonously "What the fuck are you doing now?" as he approached him, dragging his feet.

The subject in question just gave off one of his signature nasty grins and pushed a few buttons before preparing himself for the questionable and  
unexpected.

A blinding bolt of light quickly filled the room, temporarily numbing Karkat's eyesight. When he finally turned to look again at the platform where Gamzee once stood, all there was left was a green blot in his place.

"Surprise!" the clown's voice echoed. "I turned myself into a pickle karkat! I'm pickle Gamzee!"


	2. unfortunate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pickle smut

Karkat really didn't know what to do. The cunt turned himself into a pickle.

Though, this strangely did remind him of something. Maybe pickle gamzee could be put to a good use for once. His hands were exhausted because of his extreme meat-beating practices, since that was the only way in which he could crush a boner in such a resourceless place.

He was, in all honesty, a desperate man.

A desperate man coincidentally carrying a screwdriver.

With the taste of regret already looming over his morals, he grabs the pickle.

"Woah bro what the motherfuck are you doing" said the pickle. The man was unwarned about the horrible kind of 'motherfuck' Karkat was about to do. He grabbed the screwdriver out of his pant's ass pockets in a swift movement, and got ready to carve himself an eco-friendly fleshlight.

"Wha-" States the helpless Makara as he gets fucking penetrated by the tool. Karkat starts contorting his wrist in a rather painfull manner as he hollows the god forsaken vegetable. Pickle substance shoots out of the cave he is making and gets Karkat's face all gooey with it. Karkat vibrates heavily until all the pickle juice shrugs off.

Holding pickle Gamzee in the light, he contemplates his finished work. Karkat's alien cock is already facing the ceiling like a light-starved plant would, in all it's horny might.

Karkat pull his lower half clothes down with his free hand, and prepares.

"Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do."

Gamzee stares at the troll, concerned, as the shamefull boy fucken' rams his dick into the hollowed pickle. "Ah" moans the pickle. Goo starts coming out of his pickle pores in a sign of arousement as Karkat fucks him balls deep.

"Fuck me in motherfucking my pickle hole" screams the pickle repeatedly, each time getting louder and louder. His pickle moans eco across the hallway and into the nearby rooms.

"Shut the fuck up you filthy pickle! You're going to get someone to walk into us pickle-fucking!" Karkat scolds.

Still, the pickle just kept screaming nonsense as Karkat continued, now more aware of being found out. His worry increased as he heard footsteps getting nearer. He came to an abrupt stop as there was a knocking on the door.

"Bro what the fuck is happening in there?" called Dave, standing on the other side of the door.

"Nothing!" Answered Karkat quickly. But this didn't work, for the door started to creak open.

Karkat needed to do something. Fast. No bloody way he was going to get caught torturing his pee organ with a Gamzee fleshlight. In a sudden act of nervousness, Karkat did something he didn't find himself capable of.

Taking his dick out of the vegetable he proceeded to shove Makara into his mouth, a loud moan muffled inside his throat as he tried to swallow. He was all wet and slippery with his pickle substances, leaving an awfully bitter taste in his mouth. 

As Dave came into the room Karkat forced himself to swallow. The poor human found himself upon the horrible scene of underwear-lacking Karkat wearing a boner and some green slime creeping out of his mouth.

"Holy shit."

Karkat couldn't think about anything other than the fact that he had just fucking vored pickle Gamzee. There was someting so unbearable about his taste, it was starting to dizzy him.

Dave approached him with worry. "Dude... You okay?"

This was the last he heard as his sight became blurry. Consuming the forbidden fleshlight had definitely been a bad idea.

Karkat dropped to the floor and fucking died.


	3. new horizons

There stood Dave, in pure horror, sweat clogging his pores. He shaked silently as he stared down at his departed friend, who couldn't even bust his last nut before dying.

Karkat's corpse layed on the ground, his boner still twitchting and his mouth full of pickle substance. He closed the door as to not be found out standing near a cold, half naked body, and began to brainstorm.

Without noticing, as Dave contemplated the rare sight of this alien boner, he ended up with one of his own.

Dave approached Karkat to see if there was anything else he could do, but he tripped on the now slippery floor flooded in gamzee juices. He tripped so awfully his pants came off and he drastically fell onto Karkats still throbbing boner like an oiled baby.

He moaned in pain as Karkat's coldening dick entered his dry anus, feeling a burning agony all through his rectum.

Dave had hopped unto Karkat's Jhonson so hard he came back to life. The sudden pressure Karkat had felt in his pelvis because of Dave falling atop it caused his stomach to contract, vomiting while looking up like a fountain. All the substances filthied Dave, and along with the puke returned the cursed pickle.

Karkat grabbed Dave harshly by his thick ass, clawing his nails so intensely into his juicy glutes he drew blood.

Dave orgasmed instantly, provoking the insides of his asshole to vibrate.

Karkat freed one of his hands to reach for the cunt of a vegetable that was lying near them, and wrapped his arm-foot around it with fury. He lifted the pickle and shoved it into Dave's throat with great force. Gamzee screamed for help with blurry moans inside Dave's leaf hole, and all three of them came at this kinky display.

Dave hadn't fapped the ween in months, so he erupted such an inmense amount of cum he covered Karkat's entire face with the sticky man milk. 

The human slid the alien dick out of his shit conduct and rubbed his ass, now aware of the damage that has been brought upon his dumpy.

Pickle gamzee reverted back to normal, shooting out of Dave's mouth and sticking to a nearby wall, since he was still full of pickle substance.

Gravity slapped Gamzee face first onto the floor, and he crawled back to where Dave and Karkat were now standing, and began to lick them clean of all substances.

After he finished with his cleansing, Gamzee announced he was one step closer to finally joining the sicilian mafia and that all had gone good and well according to God's plan

Yet, suddenly, Gamzee felt his ass expand as he received another command from our lord and saviour. The clown grabbed Karkat by his head, gripping so hard he slightly cracked his skull, and shoved him onto a corner on a near table, creating a delightfull crunching sound. Dave screamed in surprise as tears accumulated in his eyes, and attempted to approach Karkat to check on his condition; but just then Gamzee grabbed him by the cape and dragged him back to the floor.

Gamzee was on all fours above Dave. The blond looked horrified into the Makara's eyes, while only bloodlust stared back.

The purple clown roughly spread Strider's legs and grabbed at his ballsack, while letting his weight above Dave and leaning against his ear.

Gamzee's hot breath puffed against the blond's skin as he slowly whispered. "I'm going to motherfucking castrate you."


	4. rip and shred

Gamzee clawed into Dave's thighs as he forcefully tortured his scrotum, with a pull his ballsack came off. His victim writhed and yelled, blood spilling all over the floor and wetting his ass and the clown's chin. Dave screamed so hard, so dedicately, that his mouth began to dry up, the back of his throat burnt. The pain was unbearable, an unrewarding tingling sensation that persisted; it had grabbed hold of him like it would never dare let go. Gamzee had positioned one of his hands on his shoulder, pinning him to the ground and preventing his movement, however weak it may be. The dizzying blond could only stare at Karkat, whose candy red blood puddled around his fractured cranium, breathing ever so softly, clearly in agony. Dave's brain could no longer deal with the pain and he soon blacked out.

* * *

Strider's unconscious body was dragged by the legs, creating a blood track that followed a pair of purple jester shoes. The Makara created echo in the lonely hall with every step, lazily walking to the kitchen with a high expression on his face. He had left Karkat to bleed out, he was too dummy thick to be comfortably carried anyway.

Reaching out to the coffee maker, he took a nearby cup and brewed some boiling bean extract. As the beverage heated he badly patched up Dave's injury with napkins and managed, somehow, to stop the bleeding. His fresh coffee cup was ready just in time. He stood to grab the burning liquid and turned to spill it on the blond's face.

He woke up with a sorrowful whine, the sound a dog makes when you step on it's tail, and as he looked up to find Gamzee's face tears began to well in his eyes.

"Rise and shine, motherfucker."

Gamzee lifted Dave from his underarms and attempted to have him stand straight, futilely, since his knees buckled and threatened to have him fall every time the clown let go. Gamzee resolved in resting himself against the blond's back and grabbed him by the wrists to manipulate his movements.

He guided his hand for him to obtain a close by frying pan, and Dave grabbed it with shaking hands, too afraid to complain. 

"The breakfast is the most motherfuckingly important meal of the day, motherfucker." He said, while he leaded Dave to turn on the stove and rub butter in the pan.

Strider began sweating cold with only the menacing atmosphere the clown was giving off, and his slow, unnerving way of pronouncing every word only to have a creeping silence between each sentence.

He barely even realized where the Makara had hovered his hand to next, and when he looked down he inmediately recognized what they were going to cook.

"Every good motherfucking breakfast needs a good motherfucking pair of _eggs_ , doesn't it, my man?"

Dave's expression turned from pale to a dim shade of green, and his breathing became heavy as he slowly turned his head to look at Gamzee. As soon as their eyes met, Gamzee displayed his shit eating grin, and without warning pressed Dave's hand against his amputated testicles.

"We better move this along, we don't want the pan to motherfucking overheat, do we?"

Dave shaked his head silently, and turned his gaze back to the task at hand.

He reluctantly grabbed his Jhonson's former friends, and dunked them onto the frying pan. They started sizzling as the meat began to cook, and the Makara condimented them with salt. 

The blond started to space out, feeling to sick himself to experiment any sort of elaborate thought. He came back to his senses when Gamzee squeezed his wrist quite harshly, to realize the _eggs_ were burning.

Once the meal was prepared the clown left the Strider standing and fetched a plate and cuttlery, and set them on the table.

He pulled back a chair and stared at Dave, expectatingly. 

"Aren't you motherfucking hungry after all that cooking?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont think this is a joke anymore


	5. not enough dick

Terezi walked quickly down the dull corridors of the complex building, the smell of the cum, sweat and vegetable emanating from the room she was headed to had become unbearable, and she decided she might as well join in on the fun. She pulled the handle and entered to the lust room, to find way too much blood and way too little ass clapping. Setting her disappointment aside, she decided to go ahead an check on Karkat's hopefully cold body. God he was one stinky cunt. It felt like if he didn't have his hand on his cock, it would be at somebody else's throat.

She sloppily approached his unconscious body, let down at the realization that he was still breathing. She slapped his nutsack.

"Sup' dipshit."

Karkat was startled awake, eyes bolting wide open. "Terezi? The fuck happened?"

"Dunno' man. Heard a little clapping I thought I'd contribute to, but when I actually came down to join on the ooze-party, all I find is you. Laying, pathetically on the filthy floor," she stated, as she pointed in the bodily fluid mixture's general direction.

"Remind me to clog your pee hole with super glue next time I see you."

He sat down, albeit slowly and without the lack of audible complaint. As he balanced his ass on the cold ground, he found himself troubled after noticing a certain blond's missing presence.

"Where's Dave?"

* * *

The both of them made their way to the kitchen, guided by Terezi's dog-like ability to trace scents. They entered into a scene displaying a pallid young man sitting at a table before an empty plate and a slightly annoyed clown.

"Greetings, motherfuckers. I'd ask you to join us but this motherfucker eats eagerly."

Karkat walked over to where Dave was, but before he could reach him, he was stopped at the chest by the jester's arm. The cunt just stood there, preventing him from advancing any further, staring at him with his moist eyes. Now closer to the blond, Karkat noticed his shaking. Without warning, Dave took the opportunity and shoved a fork up Gamzee's ass.

"Yahoo," moaned the clown, as he was impaled by the tableware. Karkat snatched Dave and made a run for it, joined by Terezi; they needed to get away from there as quick as possible, in case the clown was hiding a gun in his codpiece.

Three pairs of feet slapped against the ground as the trio ran away, and into Terezi's room. They entered and where suddenly overwhelmed by the unholy amount of disgrace accumulated all over her place. There were various alien-looking plushies, most of them missing at least a limb, her bed unmade and her walls chicken-scratched with nonsense. In one of the corners there was a small desk, the only organized surface in the entire thing, and atop it sat a black dildo. 

Hanging from the ceiling, by a rope in the shape of a noose, was a radio playing arabic dubstep. Dave took a short moment to remember his days in Vietnam. The lights were off and there was no creak through which the light could come in, so Terezi guided them both by the dick into a sticky couch.

"Let's discuss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know chapters are short and spaced a lot, but if i write too much of this i will have a seizure and collapse.


	6. new allies

Gamzee stood slightly displeased near the kitchen counter, considering the chances of this turning into a mildy political feud, which anyone would be totally inclined to do, anyone would like to see a juicy pickle in a business suit with a literal ass hole for casual fucking. He realized being political requires allies, and better off those who matched his morals:

None.

The individual carried his body mass across the doorframe and hall, he walked.

No fucking idea where he was going, he relied on muscle memory.

There was a cold feeling in the air he filtered through his asscheeks, recognizing it as a cloud of post-nut nostalgia, the familiar feeling of the lack of ass clapping. While he concentrated on keeping his mind rid of thought so that his feet could do the work, something fell from above and brought him to the ground, sadly the woman's ass fell on the floor and not on his face, pensive emoji.

Vriska stood first, "Ah, you're still alive," she said as she dusted her clothes and displayed a pouch of disgust. The makara rose next, he pulled his sad pants back to his hips and proceeded to explain, "Check it, motherfucker, I got turned into a motherfucking pickle! I was pickle Gamzee!" he claimed proudly, "Then i got motherfucking fucked in my motherfucking pickle hole, bro! stuff is, I gotta get back to my motherfucking boyfriend, Trump-senpai, about my motherfuckingly groundbreaking experience, but Imma' need your soggy ass to help me the motherfuck out.

"Adulterism is sexually arousing, elaborate further."

"Stuff is, the motherfucking vice president just had a motherfucking stroke and died, so now I gotta motherfucking climb my way all the motherfucking up to sit beside my motherfucking Trump-senpai's fat american ass, and since you have them motherfucking milf tits I figured you'd be a decent political partner."

"My time is getting boring and my dildos are going rot, I'll join ya' if I can bring my sex slave."

* * *

The both sex gods accompanied each other on a walk to Tavro's ~~cock house~~ room, but there was no sexual tension because they're so sexually active that the constant dripping of their body fluids cancels the horny out. Tavros walked to the door at the ringing of his doorbell, because he has a doorbell, because hes not a fucking primitive mammal and actually has self respect and comprehends the commodities of MODERN LIFE, and he also had functional legs because he used a pair of alfa dicks as a prosthetic and managed to keep himself upright with a boner and sheer fucking will.

"Oh h-hi *blushes*," he greeted. "*shakes ears and precum comes out of his dick quads* H-how can i help you owo?"

Vriska explained the big project to the furry-ass cum dumpster, not like he really has any right of self expression beyond Vriska's word though, just formalities. He agreed with a nodding of his head, "A-anything for you d-daddy unu," Tavros did a backflip and damaged his leg boners for dramatic effect.

The three of them jojo posed while arabic dubstep played in the background, hyping their sex organs for the upcoming days of political orgy. Too bad germany is gonna get involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just ate a mug cake and this all came from a sugar rush


End file.
